That Word, you know the one ...... Beautiful
Defined as " having beauty; possessing qualities that give great pleasure or satisfaction to see, hear, think about, etc.; delighting the senses or mind: excellent of its kind: wonderful; very pleasing or satisfying." ( from Dictionary.com)
During 2020 (I don't know about you but I am so glad that year is over) that word has reached my ears more than any other year or at least I have been more acutely aware of its usage as my goal for 2020 was to deal with my Image of myself but what I did not what I was not expecting to discover .,....
... was I find that I am terrified of the word "beautiful"
A word which is so enveloped with our own idea of Beauty or aesthetic perfections that when uses, especially when referring to a person can give so much pleasure and happiness; The Warm Fuzzies, or cause so much pain; More often that not I believe the pain comes from our own lack of confidence and insecurities, rather than the speakers intent; And in my case a few complements (regarding appearance) containing the word while zooming with friends during the festive period was enough to break my fragile self image, sending me on a dark path of self loathing for a while. To be beautiful for me is to be the most perfect version of yourself aesthetically, thought I do find when apply to myself it marred with "conventional" beauty standards often which are figments of our own self doubt (one must be tall, slim, toned, tanned and in proportion; which is the polar opposite of me, I'm a squishy always was and always will be)
For me accepting what I look like right now and loving myself are not one and the same. And being perfectly honest I don't really much like how I look, but I don't think many people out there can say that they are truly happy with their appearance. Certainly with the move to social interaction to electronic platforms, removing the physical interaction, and the fact that I eat my sadness, baking and cooking helps me out the world to right (nothing like hand whipping cream or beating up a cake batter to get out those frustrations), thought does have the side effects of having to eat your creations. And in 2020 I gain 12 Covid kilos in my efforts to do the right thing, keep people safe and try to keep myself in a ok head space. Taking all that into account is my appearance (not talking about health, ones physical sizes is necessarily indicative of health), this is how are I look right now and there is no one else like me. I will make the best of what I have within my limitations; Wear what makes me feel good and do things that make me happy , because there is no point crying over spilled milk,
In 2020 I arranged a Lingerie/Pin up shoot Photoshoot with my immensely talent friend Sophie O'Regan ( I had the most fabulous time, and the results can be viewed HERE) I was going to enter miss pin up Ireland if it was running, arranged an MOT with a dietision joined Noom and creates this blog(even if no one reads it) to; All things to reevaluate my perception of myself and to try to stop my insecurities from preventing me from going for my dreams and goal, but that does not mean I love myself, and the to perceived confidence is more sheer stubbornness at the time followed by regret and tears due to making a spectacle of myself.
The year of Social distancing has allowed me to learn alot about myself; I'm a tactile person, touch is an important method of communication for me, I carry a lot more social anxiety than I previously realised, and that I am scared of the word Beautiful. But the constraints of this year has allowed me to see the cracks and crumbling in the foundations of me, so there is light at the end of the tunnel
Self love and accepting ones appearance will continue to have be my main personal goal to work on for the year ahead. As if you can't love yourself even just a little, you won't be able to appreciate the love around you.